7/21/2015

Apartment 1303 3D (2012)


Title: Apartment 1303 3D
Writer/ Director: Michele Taverna
Cast: Mischa Barton, Rebecca DeMornay, Julianne Michelle, Corey Sevier, John Deihl, Kathleen Mckey
Year: 2012
Min: 85

Deciding to no longer live with her alcoholic bitch of a mom (Rebecca DeMornay) pretty Janet (Julianne Michelle) moves to another building, apartment number, you guessed it, 1303. Soon, she starts hearing noises and smelling a really shitty stench (probably this film's script). One night her boyfriend Mark (Corey Sevier) comes over night for some good old screwing. Well, as he steps out, she gets throw out the window, by a ghost that haunts the apartment. It's deemed a suicide, but her gorgeous sister Lara (Mischa Barton, she formerly of the OC) doesn't believe that. Soon, she and Mark go to the apartment to unravel the mystery.

This flick is a remake of a Japanese movie of the same name. I have never seen that film, but it cannot possibly be any worse than this film. That being said, I also doubt that it is it this hilarious. The script to this movie is fucking mess. Ridiculous plot twists abound, and the dialogue is down right hilarious. I swear to God, I was laughing my ass off watching this and hearing the cast spout off unforgettable lines like "Apartments don't kill people. People kill people!" BWAHAHAHA!!! Aside, from not being able to write a smart or compelling movie; writer director Michele Taverna also has no concept of telling a scary or suspenseful movie.

This is all accompanied by our blonde trio of actresses who achieve various degrees of success throughout the movie. Michelle is downright awful in this movie as the doomed sister. I have never seen this chick before, so I have no clue if it is just her or the miserable script. But, I swear to God, anytime she was onscreen and opened her mouth I was in awe as to how terrible she is! She maybe pretty, but talented, nope she most definitely is not. Barton tries her best with the crap that is handed to her. Meanwhile, I genuinely felt terrible for DeMornay, watching this. It would be totally depressing if not for the fact that her scenery chewing is utterly hilarious! I swear I didn't know if I should cry for her needing the cash and having to be this turd, or be grateful for just how much fun she added to this movie.





There is no real gore to speak of this movie. The ghosts aren't particularly memorable and certainly not scary. Sadly, the absolutely beautiful Ms. Barton (a long time favorite of mine) has her titties covered up by fucking CGI bubbles, while she bathes (see GIF to the left)!! I found that really awful and not funny at all, just utterly heartbreaking and disappointing! Mostly, this one scored an R-rating cause of the F-bombs that are dropped. *sigh*

For some reason this trainwreck of a film was released in 3D. I didn't even know this movie existed, much less played in the movies, until I saw it on NetFlix. If you are looking for a good ghost, fuck that a good, movie look elsewhere. However... bad cinema buffs I have found a movie for you in this one!! I have not laughed this hard in a long time. Apartment 1303 3D is not a horror film; it's a fucking comedy. As such it is golden and full of belly laughs. Just remember we are laughing at it, not with it...
** out of ****


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