10/03/2013

Dario Argento's Dracula 3D

Tile: Dracula 3D
Director: Dario Argento
Writer: Dario Argento and Enrique Cerezo
Cast: Thomas Kretschman, Marta Gastini, Asia Argento, Unaz Uglade, Miriam Giovanelli, Rutger Hauer

Johnathon Harker (Unaz Uglade) arrives at Transylvania and goes to visit his wife's best friend, the
gorgeous Lucy (Asia Argento). He then heads to Dracula's (Thomas Krestshman) castle to catalouge his huge library. After the voluptuous Tania (Miriam Giovanelli) and her amazing cleavage try to put the bite on him, Drac saves him. But, later the count attacks him. The count, it turns out, is waiting for Harker's wife, the pretty Mina (Mara Gastini) to come and see him. Lucy gets bitten by Drac and falls ill, but she sends the caring Mina to see the count regardless. There is under his trance and only Van Helsing (Rutger Hauer) can save her and kill all the vampires, including Dracula and the humans loyal to him, that terrorize the town.

Holy shit!!! This was truly awful! This movie looks and feels nothing like a Darío Argento movie. As a
matter of fact it lacks any of Argento's stylish qualities like his beautiful camera work or colors. It has none of that. It is just a fucking awful piece of festering shit. For the most part the movies is flatly directed and it's kind of boring actually. But some parts are unintentionally funny. Some of that can be attributed to the awful dialogue, the brain-dead script, or the terrible CGI.
Said horrible CGI includes a laughable, giant, praying mantis that Dracula transforms into. Yes, you read that right. Dracula transforms into a giant, praying mantis. What the fuck? I don't know what possessed any to think that this would be a good idea. I guess he was trying to do some new and different things with Dracula. Very few work though, I mean I like what happens to Harker and, uh, not much else...

Admittedly there is some decent gore here. They include vampire bitings, gunshot blasts, impaling, stabbing, etc. But, most, aside from a rather cool blue bullet goes up the chain out the top of his head, blows out some dude's fuckin brains scene, there wasn't any murders that really stuck out in my head. Certainly not in the manner that I expect an Argento movie to have.

Most of the acting is pretty awful. Including a horrible Jonathan Harker in the form of Unaz Uglade, that shows that perhaps Argento was trying to channel Keanu Reeves from Bram Stoker's Dracula. If that is the case he certainly went for the worst Harker performance ever as inspiration. I guess the actor it kind of looks like Reeves. It doesn't matter; he sucks even more. Kretschman is mostly forgettable as Dracula and seems to think that snarling and shiptis scary. I've got news for you dude, it ain't. Marta Gastini is pretty and kind of looks like Wynonna Ryder. But, she really can't act her way out of a box. Miriam Giovanelli has an amazing chest. and thank God she shows them. Her acting is not so great, but she is hot and sexy.
But, perhaps the biggest pity here is Asia Argento who despite her great talents is given such an awful role as Lucy that it's a waste of her talents. But thank the Lord she shows off her tits to not once but twice and her ass, as well, all in glorious 3-D. Hauer, though, is fun and does chew up the scenery. But he battled vampires in this past season of True Blood, and that was MUCH better.
 
And speaking of the 3-D other that the shit sticks out in front of the camera there is really no reason for this movie to be 3-D other the fact that they get to the jack up the price for it. Thank God, I did not pay to see to  this shit. 

Dracula 3-D is a pretty wretched film that is quite simply one of Argento's worst movies ever. It's hard for me to say that because Argento was once I a great filmmaker that I looked up to. His films were the kind of movies that I wanted to make. But, I can assure you that I never ever, ever would want to make a movie this fucking bad. And, while not the worst film to be released this year (that dear friends is Dead Before Dawn) it is most one worst. Skip unless you really seriously need to see Asia's boobs in 3-D.

*1/2 out of ****

5 comments:

Maynard Morrissey said...

So sad what happened to Dario. His last film "Giallo" wa salready pretty embarrassing, but from what I saw in the trailers, it's probably FAR from being as awful as Dracula... :-(

giovanni deldio said...

I never saw Giallo, but yes this very embrassing... Hard to believe he once made great movies like DEEP RED or SUSPIRIA. :(

DrunkethWizerd said...

I'm still dying to see this. Everyone says it sucks... EVERYONE!! But hot damn, those topless shots of Asia. Man, what a set. Poor Dario. My favorite director of all time. I hope that I can find something in this film to appreciate, other than those sweet sweet titties!

giovanni deldio said...

Lol! Dario used to be my favorite director so I feel your pain. But there is something else that's good in the film... The other vamp chick's boobs. :P

giovanni deldio said...

Lol! Dario used to be my favorite director so I feel your pain. But there is something else that's good in the film... The other vamp chick's boobs. :P