1/02/2013

The 1st Annual Master Gio Awards

Oh 2012, you had some truly great moments, including some amazing music, movies, geek stuff, and babes. Then, again, there was also some awful fucking shit. I've recently been playing with the idea of doing a bunch of awards (not including best babe, movie, and album, since I cover those in my top of the year lists, anyway) to celebrate the best and worst. I also figured I could have some fun doing just that, and hopefully, you also have fun reading my picks. Enjoy and let me know your thoughts, so let us begin with the shitty stuff, so as to save the best, for last:

The Bad Shit of 2012:

Worst Movie of the Year (That I Saw)- V/H/S/- Let's begin by saying that this is the worst film, by default, as I try my hardest to avoid bad movies, but of all the shit I saw this year, this one was the crappiest one. That said, I can assure there are worst movies out. Thank God, I didn't see those. Anyways, after much thought this award goes to V/H/S/. This one had a good first story as a babe is revealed to be a demon, a crappy second tale of a couple terrorized by a stranger, a godawful, piece of shit tale of digitized killer (that is one of the worst things I have ever seen and would easily win this award on it's own), a good tale involving Skype, a good story about a haunted house (but it's basically another Paranormal Activity), and a shit eating wrap-around story. Plus, it got a ton of hype due to the talent behind it. That actually pissed me off, even more as it is worth none of that hype.

Most Overrated Film of the Year- Dark Knight Rises- Man, I can hear the complaints, right now. But, sorry this film is a load of overrating of a mostly mediocre film. As some of you may recall I originally gave this film a 3 out of 4 star rating. Despite the fact, that if you read the review I had very little nice to say about it. And, guess what? Since, then I hate this one even more! In fact, I feel I overrated it with that rating. While, I still don't think it's a bad movie, per say, it's one of those movies, that the more I think about it, the more I dislike it. I mean, since that review, I think of more shit that pissed me off, not the least of which is the ridiculous scenes involving all the Gotham cops being sent to the sewer (why in fuck's name would anyone do that?!) and the one where they run to battle the baddies head on. What the fuck is this the Revolutionary War?! Fail that shit!!!

Worst Hero in a Movie- Batman in Dark Knight Rises- Bitching and whining will only earn you this not very cherished award. Seriously, Batman was a fucking emo pussy. So much so that I wish Alfred would have bitch-slapped his pathetic ass. Bats needs to grow some balls back!! 







Horror Trend that Needs to Die- Zombies- Ya know I would never have thought of writing those words even up to an year ago. In fact, I would wanna say found footage shit, but nope, it's zombies. When The History Channel has zombie docus and there is a movie advertised as the Twilight, with comedy(!), of zombie movies (the upcoming Warm Bodies), its time to shoot the trend in the fucking head!! Yes, I realize there are still good zombie movies being made and The Walking Dead  rules, but you get my fuckin drift.

The Why the Fuck Is this not on Blu-Ray Award- (Tie) [Rec]3: Genesis and The Loved Ones- I love my blu-ray player, and while I still buy DVDs (mostly when I have no choice in the matter), I prefer blu-ray, of course. Well, I don't get why any new release would only be on DVD. I know some hated [Rec]3, but I thought it was fun. But, hey even if it sucked it still should have been on blu-ray. And, don't get me started on the amazing The Loved Ones, which gets very little extras on the DVD, which had gotten shelved some three years. Fuck Paramount!




The Channel Epic Fail Award- G4- You long time readers should may know my love for Attack of the Show. Well, it finally closed shop thanks to G4 who got rid of that (and X-Play) in preference of their new upcoming GQ inspired programming. Say what?! Uh, the appeal of these shows (and G4 in general) is that they are aimed for the niche audience that is no actual channel devoted to. And, how many men do you know whot read GQ these days? Shit, I ain't read an issue since like 2005, and that was only cause Jessica Alba was on the cover. Sure, AOTS wasn't as great as it used to be, but still it was entertaining. Remember kids, this means no more Candace Bailey and Kristen Holt (I could give a rat's ass about Sara Underwood). Fuck you, Comcast (the parent company of G4, in case you don't know)!!!

The Kick Ass Stuff of 2012

The Hottest Ass- Jada Stevens- I've recently been ranting about it, but it's hard not to, her butt is truly an amazing gift from the heavens above. It's big and perfect, and best of all, since she's in porn, so she shares it with us and gets anal love. Truly, can we ask for anything more? I think not!






Best Boobs (clothed)- Katie Featherston- It's a shame she keeps them covered because, good God they are amazing!! Even if you hate the Paranormal Activity flicks you gotta love her cleavage. If I was a demonic ghost I would haunt and want to possess them too! Though, admit ably, I wouldn't go snapping people's necks with her hands, I would probably make her look at her boobies in the mirror and, well you can figure out the rest...





Best Boobs (unclothed)- London Keyes- I love natural, big boobs. I LOVE Asian girls. Combine them both and well you know I may have to ask that girl to marry me! London continues to star in stroke worthy smut and gives us ample chances to drool all over her boobies.




Porn Trend of the Year- Girl/ Girl Movies- While, I'm done with some of the parodies (there are still some worth seeing and that catch my interest, but some of those movies, make me wonder who the hell needed porno version that?!), the trend of more and more girl/ girl stuff is an AWESOME one. The fact that many seem to be made by companies that dedicate themselves to only releasing lesbian flicks is fucking great! Aside, from the great Girlfriends Films, there are other studios like Club 59 and Sweetheart Video. Many of these are subsidiaries of bigger studios like Elegant Angel and Mile High Distribution, respectively. I've long been a fan of all girl movies and scenes, so to me this one of the greatest things. And, the casts for many of these movies are nothing short of AMAZING!!!

Breakthrough Performance in a Horror Film- Gretchen Lodge- While, the movie, itself, is a good, albeit very flawed film, Lodge gives a performance of a lifetime in Edwardo (Blair Witch Project) Sanchez' Lovely Molly. She comes off as sympathetic, sexy, and scary. I was blown away by her performance. I see great things in store for her!

 
Best Image Change in a Movie- AnnaLynne McCord in Excision- Before seeing this movie, I never thought much of Ms. McCord. Too prissy to ever interest me, she made such a HUGE and drastic change for one of the very best movies of the year in Excision. In it she plays a weird and disturbed teenager who wants to go into medical school, but fantasizes about surgeries and necrophilia and is into blood play. She gives such a shattering performance that is miles away from her Beverly Hills 90210 role, that you have to stand up and notice. In fact, I fell in love with her solely from this.
Runner-Up- Yvonne Strahovski in "Dexter"- She used to inspire the same feelings in me that McCord did. But, she plays a serial killer and boom, I'm in love! In all seriousness, though, seeing both these ladies going against type is awesome accomplishment. Kudos, ladies!

Best Nude Scene in a Movie- Dear God No! Madeline Brumby's Striptease- There some good nudes in this insane and awesome movie, but Madeline Brumby's striptease is my favorite. It's a memorable scene that had me drooling, happily!




Best Gore, Overall, in a Movie- Dear God No!- While, there were lots of good gore moments in lots of movies, the kick ass Dear God No! had the best amount and the most over-the-top, including a dude getting choked with his own guts!! You just can't fuckin beat that!!



Hottest Female Cast in a Non-Porno Flick- Man with the Iron Fist- This fun and bloody tribute to old-school kung-fu movies had a drool worthy cast that included Lucy Liu, Jamie Chung, and a ton of other Asian beauties. Basically, it's what heaven would look like to me. Sadly, though, they never got nude...

Blu-Ray Release of the Year- Jaws- One of the greatest movies ever made Steven Speilberg's Jaws made an amazing debut on blu-ray looking and sounding KILLER and having ass -kicking extra features, the best of which is the amazing docu "The Shark Is Still Working". Props to Universal for giving this horror classic a definitive release!!




 

TV Show of the Year- Dexter- This was a hard one to pick. As there were amazing seasons this year, including Game of Thrones, Grimm, and The Walking Dead (both of those continue this year, of course). But in the end, I have to give it to this jaw-dropping and captivating season of Dexter. The season finale alone warrants it consideration. Throw-in the plot twists and revelations and this one just totally held my interest. The only fail came from the AWFUL storyline of Debra being in love with her adopted brother, Dexter. That's gross and stupid, but the rest of the season? PERFECT!!!! 


Superhero team of the Year- The Thunderbolts (Thunderbolts #1)- Lead by General Thunderbolt Ross (AKA the Red Hulk and guy who hates the Hulk), and comprised of Marvel's heroes that kill, the Punisher, Venom (by way of Flash Thompson), Elektra, and Deadpool, this is the single most badass team in superhero history.






The It's more Addictive than Crack Video Game Award- WWE 13- Ever since I got this as a Christmas present, I can't stop playing it. Good controls, creation abilities, graphics, and the Attitude Era stuff makes this a most own!!








Toy Line of the Year- Pop! by Funko- Seriously, I LOVE this line!! After getting the Leatherface and bloody Daryl "The Walking Dead" Dixon toys, I need to get more and more!! Cute and wonderfully detailed, these are the first toys in ages I've started collecting.



Well that's it as far as these awards go, hope 2013 has lots of great stuff in store for all of us! 

4 comments:

madbrumby said...

wow! I'm totally honored!

giovanni deldio said...

I'm humbled that you feel that way! :)

Kim Dubuisson said...

Cool list!

giovanni deldio said...

Thanks, bro! :)