6/30/2010

The A-Zs of Horror, Pt. 1 (A-M)

Alphabetizing is fun! And educational, as well! I love horror movies and know that many of you do, too! Baring that in mind, I give to you a list to that is sure to be an instructive and important part of your day! Maybe of your life! Here's the first half:

A is for ALIENS- In horror movies, aliens never want to be our friends. Nope. Instead, they can start as an egg laid by their giant queen mommy which has a crab like critter that comes out and then sticks to your face after which it lays another egg down your throat that grows and bursts out of your chest then grows up to be a monster with acid blood that has a second mouth inside it's own mouth that rips through your skull, or he might be a hunter from another world, or they may wanna turn us into food (be it cotton candy, fast food, etc!), or they maybe slugs that possess us or reanimate the dead, or it might be a being that can copy other living things, or... well, you get the idea!


B is for BLOOD- Blood and gore has been in horror movies for many years, now. Hammer studios were one of the first to flirt with it, but it was HG Lewis' cult favorites like Blood Feast and Two Thousand Maniacs that gave our earliest taste of extreme gore. Meanwhile, George Romero's Night of the Living Dead bought it to the mainstream. Since, then movies, and just horror films, have been spilling the red stuff, and making us gorehounds very happy!

C is for CANNIBALS- One of the most extreme sub-genres in the horror film, cannibal movies can be pretty rough to watch. From the extreme (Cannibal Ferox, Jungle Holocaust, and, of course, the classic Cannibal Holocaust) to the erotic (?!) (Emmanuelle and the Last Cannibals) to the rather silly and fun (Zombie Holocaust, which has three things listed here!), most of them came from Italy. American movies can have cannibals too as Ravenous proves or the most famous cannibals of all, Hannibal Lector and a dude and his family from Texas.




D is for DRACULA- The most famous of all blood-suckers was born in Bram Stoker's classic novel. Bela Lugosi gave the first official movie performance based on it. And, while a million movies have been made about Drac and tons of guys played him since then; Christopher Lee remains THE definitive portrayal of the most famous of all vampires.







E is for ENTITY- An entity is a spirit, but few are as evil and perverse as the one in the movie of the same name. It stars Barbara Hershey as a woman repeatedly raped by the unseen force in graphic and horrifying scenes. Supposedly based on a true story, this underrated movie has one vile fucking ghost.







F is for FREDDY KRUEGER- A child killer is burned alive by parents pissed at him being let go by the court system. He becomes something much worse, as he kills teens in their sleep. The best of the slasher villains Freddy is one of horrordom's greatest, most evil, and most entertaining baddies. Plus, he surely helps coffee stock go up!







G is for GODZILLA- The first movie (Gojria) was meant to signify the horrors of nuclear warfare. The King of the Monsters would go to play villain and hero in many movies after that. He battled the army and both good and evil monsters. To this very day, he reigns supreme and keeps his crown. For no monster can ever be as great as the big G!!!!!!!!!!



H is for HALLOWEEN- Of course, it's every horror fans favorite holiday, but it is also the name of John Carpenter's classic, that would inspire many a rip-off, sequel, and remake. It also gave us Michael Myers, perhaps the scariest of all slasher villains. Pure evil, Myers does not seem to love his family very much (like his sisters, niece, etc) or anyone else for that matter. But, at least we know he is always busy on this holiday! Though, that's probably not a good thing for those living in Haddonfield... Which also begins with the letter H! Double score!




I is for ICHI THE KILLER- This ultra-violent modern classic by shockmaster Takashi Miike this ranks as one of this best films. It also happens to be one of his most extreme. And, coming from him that is saying A LOT! At times, it is funny, but other times it is damn fucked up. The nipple slicing scene ranks as one of cinema's most shocking and hard to watch moments. Ichi, himself, is one of the most insane and fucked up characters in all of filmdom. A perfect example of why I love Asian cinema so much.

J is for JASON VOORHEES- The unstoppable killer of Camp Crystal Lake drowned as a child, but when he saw his revenge seeking mom get her head lopped off, he came back to exact murderous vengeance on all who come to the infamous camp. The best reason to never go into the woods can never die. He also does not approve of you having premarital sex or doing drugs. Talk about being a party pooper!



K is for KING KONG- It's one of the finest, if not in fact the finest, giant monster movie ever made. But, the character himself a giant ape with a thing for hot human chicks. That usually leads to bad things happening to him, but hey that's what you get when you think with your other head! Kong would go on to battle Godzilla and even his own evil robot double, as well as being remade twice. Plus, he even had a kid in a terrible, terrible sequel. Will Kong ever return again? Who knows. Just remember when he does he will surely kidnap a hot chick and take her on a date to the top of a building! Now is that not romantic?

L is for LESBIAN VAMPIRES- That most favorite of exploitation subgenres, has been with us for quite a few years now. Jean Rollin is the most prolific filmmaker to go down this route, while Hammer has done a few of their own, including the wonderful The Vampire Lovers. But, Vampyres remains the best of them all. Since, then DTV movies have inundated the market with lots of cheap-o softcore material. For an endless list of rugmuncher bloodsucker movies, try Seduction Cinema. Also, of note is that this type of movie will give you wood, and I don't mean the kind that you drive into the heart of the undead (unless that is you thing, in which case, goddamn you're a sick, wierdo!)

M is for MAD SCIENTISTS- They're geniuses, and they are crazy. They make living beings out of dead body parts, or re-animate corpses, or they try to explore other dimensions that make your pineal gland grow and turn you into a monster, or they connect you ass to mouth with two others to make a human centipede! In other words, they do NOT make science fun for you. But, they do remind you that science geek in class could have the ability to make zombies. So, leave him the fuck alone!


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Now playing: Sister Sin - On Parole
via FoxyTunes

6/29/2010

Thundar the Barbarian: The Most Badass Toon of the 80s

Do any of you recall an 80s Saturday morning cartoon by the name of Thundarr the Barbarian? Obviously, I do. If any of you don't, you should check it out. It airs at 11PM on the Boomerang network. I loved this show as a kid. It was pretty cool and freaky. Without a shadow of a doubt it had THE best intro, possibly in all of cartoon history. I know it freaked me out as a kid!


Now clearly this did not happen in 1994 (thank God!), but that was enough to get me interested. Thundarr was a badass, even if he was a clearly "inspired" by He-Man and Conan and his sun sword a rip-off of the light saber. his companion Ookla the Mok was a rip-off of Chewbaca, but he was fucking cool! And, Princess Ariel was a hottie with magical powers. In this future where magic and "super-science" ruled, Thundarr was the hero that whooped the baddies' asses. The bad guys including: monsters, mutants, aliens, robots, etc. But, he really had an issue with wizards. I am guessing The Wizard of Oz would be better off not meeting him, well for his sake anyways!

Thundarr also loved saying his catch phrases like "Demon dogs!" (uhh, maybe he once had a bad run-in with the Terror Dogs, from Ghostbusters?) and "Lords of light!" (which sounds like a really crappy techno band or shitty power metal group, you choose). While, he never killed anyone in the cartoon (duh!); I would like to think that he would have. I mean he is a fucking Barbarian for crissakes!

I loved the fact that our civilization was in ruins and it's remnants, like world famous buildings and structures, were featured predomintally. It added to the coolness factor.

Anyways, I've been thinking about this, how's about making this into a feature film? Now, if I could make it, I would make as badass as possible. I would cast the following for the lead roles:

HHH as Thundarr- I ain't sure if his age is right, but he has the right look for the character. Besides didn't he wanna play Conan the Barbarian? Well, this is the next best thing!








Nyomi Marcella as Princess Ariel- Now, I realize that no one would ever hire a porn star to play a role based on a kid's toon, but fuck 'em! This is my fucking cast! I am a long time fan of the beautiful Ms. Marcela (her sister is, of course, the beautiful Jade Marcella, who is retired from the biz), and she has THE perfect look for the role! I mean she is damn enchanting without using any magic. And, she'd look AMAZING in THAT outfit!!!!!!!!!




Vin Diesel as Ookla the Mok- His best role is still voicing a robot in The Iron Robot so this could be his second best role! But, make it a suit, like Chewbaca. No CGI Ookla, that would suck Mok cock.



So, there you have my cast. I doubt that Ruby Spears (who made and put out the toon) would approve of it, but who the fuck cares? And, I do realize that this cast would never win any Oscars, but it's not meant to be Citizen Kane. It's a fantasy/ sci-fi story about a barbarian with an energy sword who is friends with a large, fuzzy man-monster (and, no I don't mean the A-Train or Ron Jeremy!) and a hot witch princess. In other words, it is pure fucking gold! At the very least can we please have the complete series released as a DVD set?!

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Now playing: Dark Tranquillity - I Am The Void
via FoxyTunes

6/24/2010

Ruby Knox: Porn Cutie

Have you guys heard of the very cute porn babe known as Ruby Knox? If not, then be prepared to be introduced to one of the most adorable babes in the biz, today! As for those of you who already know of her, you know what I'm talking about!

Ruby was born on June 29, 1985 (yes, folks that means her b-day is this upcoming Tuesday!). She got into the biz at the age of 20, back in 2005. Her first porn flick should be of particular interest to my readers who share in my love for horror and smut in the form of Porn of the Dead. I actually have never seen it but have long wanted to do so.

Ms. Knox has a hot little body with 34C-23-32 measurements. I simply love it when girls have all natural bodies.

She's worked with many major companies in the adult entertainment biz and many of the major talent in it, as well (including one of my personal favs, Tori Black!). Ms. Knox can also be seen on Cinemax's Coed Confidential which is a softcore/ comedy series.

If you wanna know more about he, be sure to follow her on Twitter at http://twitter.com/ruby_knox. Of course, you can, and should, go to her official website at http://rubyknox.me/ as well.

I am sure that after this blog, even more of you are in love with the beautiful Ruby Knox!

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Now playing: Metallica - Master Of Puppets
via FoxyTunes

6/23/2010

The Big Four

Last night in Chelsea I had the chance to see The Big Four (Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax) on the big screen from a concert shot in Sofia, Bulgaria. I won't mince any words here, this is my dream tour, as these are my four all time favorite bands. And, I have to say that just seeing in the theatres, blew me the fuck away!

The first band to play was Anthrax. They opened with the blistering classic Caught in a Mosh. It's great to see Joey Belladonna back. He is a fun and awesome front-man. As a whole, Anthrax were definitely the fun/ party band of the bunch. They kept the audience going, and I love the way that Joey interacts with them. They even threw in a cover of the Dio era Black Sabbath classic Heaven and Hell to the mix. That fucking ruled in my book! It was a great cover! Hope they release this somehow in the future.

Next up was my personal fav of the batch, Megadeth. They were the most jaw-dropping as from a technical aspect, there are just no words to describe their talent or do them justice. If anyone asks why they are my fav band, they need to watch this, I think it makes it all clear! They opened with one of my personal favorite songs Holy Wars and just tore shit up! Mustaine is a guitar god! All fucking hail!

Next up was the most brutal performance of the night, SLAYER!!! Even the movie theater, people were standing, as they got ready to hear these lords of thrash metal. In fact, some of them even got to playing air guitar in the aisles, which continued into the Metallica set! They opened up with the modern classic that is World Painted Blood. They didn't miss a beat and the combo of King and Hanneman on dual lead guitars never fails to impress. And, Dave Lombardo remains one of the greatest drummers in all of metal. A fucking killer, Earth shaking, head ripping performance all the fucking way!

The bands dedicated this concert movie/ performance to Ronnie James Dio. And, Kerry King, Lars Ulrich, Scott Ian, and Dave Mustaine, all told great stories about him. An awesome segment and move that got me smiling and pleased all those watching.

Then the mega-stars took the stage, the mighty Metallica!!!!!!!!!!!!! They opened with my absolute all time favorite song, ever, in the form of Creeping Death!!!!!! And, even in the theater, itself, the fans chanted the infamous, "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!" chant. It was fucking killer! They played classics from the albums of theirs that matter (IE: the first five albums and Death Magnetic). The movie audience was so into it, that two even pulled out lighters during And Nothing Else Matters! Thank God, that they played nothing from the Bob Suck (er, I mean Rock) era of shit albums (Load, Re-Load, and St. Anger). Fuck him. I hope he never produces another album in his whole entire life! Anyways, they fucking killed and this went a long way in making Metallica cool again and reaffirming their place in metal/ thrash. Their cred is back, motherfuckers! So awesome was it that they bought the other three bands, for a blistering version of Am I Evil?

I must say that it was very surreal to see Mustiane hug Lars but also cool! I'm glad that the feud is over between them, cause we got this! Metallica then closed off with two classics (Hit the Lights and Seek and Destroy) off of Kill 'Em All.

This was just amazing! And, I am still pumped because of it! Can't wait till this hits DVD. The US NEEDS this tour! If you are a true metal fan, I know you feel the same. If that is the case, then you need to join this on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/WE-WANT-AN-AMERICAN-BIG-4-STADIUM-TOUR-IN-SUMMER-2011/123843190990099?ref=mf) and make them see that you agree.

ALL HAIL THE BIG FOUR OF THRASH METAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Now playing: Megadeth - Wake Up Dead
via FoxyTunes

6/20/2010

Jessica Biel- The A(ss)-Team

Yesterday, I saw the big screen version of The A-Team, and I enjoyed quite a bit. It moves at fast pace, and the cast was quite good. Sure it's pretty over-the-top, but it is a very entertaining summer flick. And, unlike the TV show, people actually fucking die! But, as I watched it, one of the things that stood out was Jessica Biel. Damn, did she look good in this movie! Are lieutenants really this hot in real life?! Seriously, those fucking legs are to die for!

I first remember her from her role on 7th Heaven. No I never, EVER watched that shit, but I recall her from in the commercials of the TV show. Moreso, I recall her appearing, in the now defunct Gear magazine at a mere 17 years of age. It spawned lots of controversy, as she wanted to break out of her good girl image. I own said mag, and I remember it being a very sought after issue. The pics and cover were pretty fucking sexy.

Despite all the lame hoopla, she stayed on the show till her contract was up. And, then appeared on some later episodes, too. She was committed to leaving that image well and enough behind her, though, as proven by her next few roles. Horror fans got a new scream, of sorts, with her roles in the total mediocre shit that was The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake and the middle of the road, Blade: Trinity. That said she did look good, in them. And, well you simply have to love her ass. Many will state that this is her best asset. They probably ain't wrong. But, I do hope that they do not forget that she has a smoking, hot body, a beautiful face, and stunning eyes to boot.

I tend to like her more in earlier roles; as I simply did not care for the movies she was in post Blade: Trinity. But, mostly I blame Hollywood for their constant overhyping of her at this point. Chill the fuck out Hollywood, I don't need your hype machine telling me who the fuck is hot or not. There are other hotter Jessicas, out there, like say Jessica Alba or porn goddess Jessica Bangkok, that I like more. But, I definitely think that she is more beautiful than Jessica Simpson. Perhaps, a bikini battle between these four in a jello wrestling match would solve it all. I gladly throw in my hat to referee said match, but don't be surprised if I am biased towards Ms. Bangkok!

Still, Ms. Biel fans got what we, finally, wanted in the movie Powder Blue, as she played a stripper and got nude (Jessica Alba, why, oh why, could you have not done the same in Sin City?!)! OK, I truthfully have never seen this movie. Not sure if I ever will, but my guess is probably not. Since, I seen her nude in clips and pics of the movie, I don't feel the need to see it. But, I will share a pic with you so that you don't feel left out. See, I am always here to help you, my loyal friends and readers, out!

Anyways, no one is gonna say that Ms. Biel is a great actress or anything of the sort. But, who the fuck cares when you look this good! The A-Team is easily her best film as of yet, that I have seen. Whether or not she will star in a movie that tops this one, I don't know. But, for now, her legs have provided me with a nice image for my weekend. My only other request for her, is to please be nakede again. Oh, and have some hot lesbian sex in a movie. That always helps.

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Now playing: W.A.S.P. - Rebel In The F.D.G.
via FoxyTunes

6/17/2010

Katsuni- XFanz Asian Star of the Year

Digital Playground contract star Katsuni is definitely one of my utmost and personal favorite performers in the porn biz, so I was very happy to hear that she won Asian Star of the Year on XFanz. In particular, because I was one of the fans who voted for her. Out of all the categories this, to me, was the hardest one to choose who to vote for, cause I am a huge fan of all the girls that were nominated. But, Katsuni was my fav of the bunch. She was, by the way, this blog's Hot Asian Girl of the Month for September 2008.

Anyway, any red blooded straight male can testify that Katsuni is one of the hottest performers in the whole biz. Her scenes are smoldering and guaranteed to make you explode every time you see one of them. Combine that with her exquisite looks and killer body and you having a living goddess. Her beautiful face and amazing ass are simply to die for. And, then there is that French accent! In all, she is the perfect woman. As a matter of fact, I will go to say that she is one of the best babes in porn, Asian or not.

So, congrats to Katsuni for winning. She really deserves this award. I'm proud to call myself a fan of hers. And, for more Katsuni be sure to check out here site on http://www.clubkatsuni.com/ as well as her Twitter and Myspace.

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Now playing: Nine Inch Nails - Into The Void
via FoxyTunes