Tuesday, June 30, 2015

CONTRACTED


Title: Contracted
Writer/ Director: Eric England
Cast: Najarra Townsend, Caroline Williams, Alice Macdonald, Katie Stegeman, Matt Mercer, Charley Koontz
Year: 2013
Min: 78

Samantha (the gorgeous Najarra Townsend) is at a party sans her pretty girlfriend Nikki (Katie Stegeman). Samantha calls her up, but she doesn't pick up the phone. Her friend Alice (Alice Macdonald) gives her a couple of shots to loosen her up. She also calls out Alice's creeper, Riley (Matt Mercer), who also happens to be this party. But, the actual danger comes not from him, but from a dude named BJ (Simon Barrett) who hands her another drink. Half conscious, Sam ends up in his car where he rapes her.

The next day she wakes up with blood running down her crotch and sharp pains. Soon things go from worse to totally fucking fucked up, as she begins to fall apart, literally and figuratively. She has "contracted" what is clearly the single worst STD in the history of mankind. To make things harder on her, her mom (Caroline Williams) thinks that she is back on drugs and doesn't approve of her lesbian lifestyle, her actual girlfriend is increasingly distant, her creeper keeps showing, and her work just plain sucks. The bad things continue to pile up and what happens as the movie progress will churn your stomach and make sure you NEVER forget your condom!

Make no bones about it, this is the one of the absolute best body horror movies to come down the pike, in a very long time, as well as being one of the most disgusting ones, too. Writer/ director Eric England has crafted an excellent movie that moves at a quick clip and keeps you interested up until the crushing ending. From start to finish this grim horror all the way and all the better for it. Working both as an allegory for date rape and warning of the dangers of STDs, this one should be played at a sex ed class!

The acting is truly excellent. Najara Townsend is amazing in the lead. We feel for her, throughout the movie. She is a likeable if flawed person going through an increasingly horrible situation. After seeing this movie, I am definitely a huge fan of this talented, young actress. Also, excellent is Caroline (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2) Williams who gives what maybe the best performance of her career, thus far. Her scenes with Townsend add an emotional weight to the story that helps to add to Samantha's whole ordeal.

There is some gore, but most of the shocks come from the actual disease and how it affects Samantha's body. What happens to her is increasingly barf inducing. Even, I seasoned horror viewer that I am, was in awe of what happens to her body. I kept screaming, "holy shit!" and "That's fucked up!". No spoilers here, since it's best to not how far this goes, so all I will say is "maggots". That's all you get from me, this time! The impressive and disgusting make-up FX by Mayera Abeita are gruesomely realistic. Plus, she has the very difficult task of making the gorgeous Townsend look more and more fucked up, something she achieves with disgusting perfection. 

Contracted is up there with some of Cronenberg's work, as far as quality body horror goes. It might also be the best disease horror movie ever. Off the top of my head, I can't think of a better one. Utterly disgusting, smart, intense, fast paced, and with excellent acting, I give this medical nightmarish chunkblower my highest possible recommendation.

**** out of ****
  

Sunday, June 28, 2015

BATMAN V SUPERMAN XXX: AN AXEL BRAUN PARODY (DVD Review)

All pics come courtesy of Wicked Pictures

Title: Batman V Superman XXX: An Axel Braun Parody
Produced and directed by: Axel Braun
Cast: Ryan Driller, Giovanni Francesco, Aiden Ashley, Britney Amber, Carter Cruise, Kleio Valentien, Brendon Miller, Derrick Pierce, and Alison Tyler with a special appearance by Celeste Star.
Studio: Wicked Pictures/Wicked Comix
Min: 133:45 minutes
Date of Production: 3/10/2015

Lex Luther (Derrick Peirce) is about to get possibly impeached from the presidency of the United States for his supposed connection to an attack on Metropolis by Bizaro. This is mentioned on the TV by Lois Lane (the always beautiful Celeste Star in a non-sex role). From a distant planet Superman (Ryan Driller) watches the report alongside the busty and sexy Maxima (Britney Amber). Back on Earth, Batman (Giovanni Francesco) is looking for the Joker (Brendon Miller) who, as Harley Quinn (Kleio Valentein) informs him, has a nefarious plot to hurt Lois.

Perhaps the most single anticipated porno of the year this is the movie that horny DC comic-book fans want and need. I, for one, have been excited about this for the longest of time, much more so than the actual mainstream studio film that is to be released next year. And, I am pleased to say that this one delivers both in it's comic-book/ cosplay content, as well as being prime jerk-off material. In short, it is exactly what you want in a movie like this.

There are lots of winks and nods to DC movies and comics, that the fans will love. Braun is himself a huge comic-book fan, which is exactly why we geeks get excited about and love his films. Characters get named, scenes and stories from various source materials get used. I won't mention them cause part of the fun is in discovering these jewels on your own. The suits all look really cool and close to the source material. Catwoman (the gorgeous Aiden Ashley) in particular blows away (pun unintended) the Anne Hatheway take on the character from the overrated The Dark Knight Rises. In fact, I will go so far as saying that Aiden is hotter and does a better job than Hatheway in capturing the feel and personality of the character. Sue me if this comment pisses you off, but I stand by it.

In fact everyone is so well cast as their respected characters. They really capture the essence, look, and feel of these classic DC characters. Aside from Aiden, particular props need to go to, of course, Giovanni Francesco and Ryan Driller in the title roles, Derrick Peirce who is excellent as Luthor, and Kleio Valentien who pure perfection as Harley Quinn. She seems to be having a blast playing her. I was so excited and happy to see that Celeste Star makes a special appearance as Lois Lane in the trailer. Though she doesn't have sex or gets nude she looks stunning as ever, and what happens to her in the movie is shocking (even if the trailer spoils it). It is safe to say that this will NOT occur in the mainstream movie. But, perhaps my favorite acting came from Brendon Miller as a Heath Ledger inspired Joker. He is just awesomely evil here!

But of course, in the end it's the sex that's going to be what truly sells this one. And, I am pleased to say that this movie is a scorcher and will have you reaching for the Kleenex with superhuman speed. The first scene has Supes getting a BJ from Maxima. I've always thought the character of Maxima, a warrior alien woman who wants Superman, to be a hottie. But, it's doubtful you will ever see her in a DC movie, much less in a comic-book appropriate costume like this, or played by someone as sexy as the gorgeous and hot Ms. Britney Amber. She is quite apt at giving killer head making for a solid opening scene.


Next up Harley Quinn gets boned by Batman. You see the only way she'll tell the Dark Knight what the Joker's plan is if he impales her with his dick. As, I said before Kleio is just perfect in this. She channels the beloved character perfectly and just looks hot as fuck as she sucks Batdick; gets penetrated, and takes a load to her chest. I could totally see Kleio getting a best supporting role nomination for this one.


Up next we get Peirce's Lex Luthor piercing Supergirl's snatch in an absolutely fantastic scene. I had a thing for Supergirl as a little kid, so seeing her being bought to life by way of one of the hottest performers today in the gorgeous Carter Cruise was perfect for me. I was turned on the moment Carter walks onscreen. She gives her it all, and takes all of his schlong. It's an energetic fuck and the cumshot is fan-fucking-tastic. If you needed further proof of why Carter rules, here it fucking it is!

The next scene, though, is the movie's highlight and hottest one. Catwoman and Harley Quinn start off with some hot lesbian action, and soon the Joker joins in. As I already said Aiden and Kleio are just so good and natural in their roles. I love that Aiden stays in character throughout the whole scene with lots of cat like licking. The Joker is clearly a lucky psycho plowing both these babes, who happily take his penis. They share his load in a scorcher of a cumshot. This one alone is worth the price of admittance and could easily become a favorite scene of any horny comic-book reader to revisit. I know I will! 
The climax of the movie will have you climaxing in joy as Batman and Superman screw Wonder Woman (Alison Tyler). Alison was clearly made by the heavens (or the Greek gods) to play the most famous superheronie on God's green earth. Her voluptuous body and 6 foot frame look AMAZING in the very kick ass and sexy costume making her the very definition of an Amazon goddess. The internet has been less than kind to the casting of Gil Gadot as Wonder Woman in the aforementioned mainstream movie, but no one in their right mind will bitch about Alison. Her boobs are wondrous enough that I could spend a lifetime talking about my love for them.

She gets rotisserie style fucked by the Man of Steel and the Dark Knight. She also sucks them both off. They end up blowing their heroic load on her massive and glorious chest. This is turly DC's Trinity in all of it's smuttiest and sexiest best!

Shot in Hi-Def 1080p (you will have to see it online to see it in full hi-def) the DVD (which is only standard definition, of course) looks gorgeous with deep blacks and rich colors. The stereo surround sound is also quite good with clear dialogue and a driving soundtrack. The extras are mostly on the second disc. They include a fun behind the scenes feature, a non-sex version of the movie, 3 bonus scenes from other films, and trailers, including it's own trailer, though that one is on the first disc.

An entertaining, fun, sexy porn parody Batman V Superman: An Axel Braun Parody is a must have for fans who love porn and superheroes. Axel again delivers the goods for this type of smut like only he can. With every single scene being worth watching and wanking off to, solid performances by everyone involved, and a plethora of comic-book coolness, this one needs to be at the top of your must see list.

4 out of 4 Woodies

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Friday, June 19, 2015

A Return to Jurassic Park

 
I will finally be seeing Jurassic World tomorrow. The fourth installment in the franchise is already a HUGE hit at the box office and according to the reviews is actually a worthy follow-up to the Spielberg classic, unlike the often maligned second and third installments. Does the first film hold up? Are the sequels really THAT bad?

I should mention that I clearly remember seeing the first film in the movies, twice actually! I was a huge fan of it (having grown up loving dinosaurs, as a child), so much so that I read the book (which is one of my favorite novels, ever), own a mint in box Raptor, and owned it on VHS. I saw it a bunch of more times and while I always liked it, I never enjoyed it as much as that first viewing. I never bought it on DVD, so now watching the blu-ray (which I only bought recently), what would my thoughts be of this blockbuster film? Let's see!

ALL REVIEWS ARE OUT OF FOUR STARS

Jurassic Park- A rich, old dude named John Hammond (Richard Attenborough) opens up a park where genetically created dinos live. He calls upon some experts to give a look and has two kids from his family come over to the island, too. Needless to say things go downhill, as the dinos are set free and begin to attack.
Jurassic Park was a massive hit when it came out. While, some have called it a perfect film, I would disagree.
On the upside, Spielberg directs the movie with a sense of awe and wonder that gives it's amazing and a lot of heart. The CGI is flawlessly mixed with the impressive practical FX of Stan Winston. The dino attacks are nail-biting and rousing. The first T-Rex attack is absolutely smashing, in particular, on blu-ray. The raptors hunting the kids is tense and the climax rocks hard.
Good acting from the cast, including both Sam Niel and Jeff Goldbulm and a likeable and hot heronie in Laura Dern all add to the plus.
The movie is hampered by annoying kids and, having read the book, a desire from me, for it to be a gorefest. The book is better for sure, but this is a fun, little sci-fi classic, and one that actually has aged quite well.

***1/2




The Lost World: Jurassic Park- Based on the Michael Crichton book of the same name, this sequel, tell us that dinos were bred on a different island where they are flourshing. Hammond sends Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldbulm) to go there and join his hot girlfriend (Julianne Moore). His daughter stows away and joins them, among others, and they see that there are people there intent on bringing dinos to San Diego. Much screaming and dying ensues.
When, I first saw this I didn't like it much at all, aside from the upped gore quota. I am glad to say the movie aged well, though, and is better than I recall it being. But is still highly flawed and really not that great.
First off, it's overlong and highly uneven. The length hurts the pacing, as does the annoying kid (what is with kids in the franchise?!). Her scene where she uses her gymnastics to drop-kick a raptor is THE worst scene in the whole series.
That said the acting is good. Goldbulm is, well, gold. Moore is a beautiful and talented woman but kinda wasted here. The FX (both practical and CGI) are as flawless as in the first film. But, it's the vicious dinosaur scenes that makes this one worth seeing. While, still staying within the (old)parameters of the PG-13 rating, there is some solid carnage including a spectacular moment where two T-Rexes rip a dude in half.
Speilberg has some solid and tense moments, that combined with the aforementioned gore make the movie slide towards a more horrific feel than the first film.
Never is this more evident than the fun climax where a T-Rex rampages through San Diego. Fans of giant monster horror movies will be happy. I know I was.
**1/2






Jurassic Park III- My favorite character from the first film Alan Grant (Sam Niel) gets tricked by annoying couple to go to the second island and look for their stupid, fucking kid.
This is interesting. I remember really liking this one and thinking it was fun, when I saw it in the movies. Watching it now, I think what the fuck was I thinking?!
This movie does NOT hold up, at all. The CGI are no where near as good as the first two. Why? My guess this shit was rushed. They look pretty bad in some shots. The couple are AWFUL! Tea Leoni as the wife is a pretty lady, for sure, but God is she truly a pain in my fucking ass here! William Macy is wasted as her stupid husband. I HATED their scenes together. Fuck, I hated them both, even when they were separate from each other. I kept wishing that they would die, but... well let's just say the body count is lower, this time around and violence heavily toned down. There are lapses in logic through out and total stupidity abounds.

The dinosaurs scenes can be fun, though. The new dinosaur, the massive Spinosaurus is cool. His fight with the T-Rex is pretty awesome but, too short. The best scene is the pteradon attack. They're one of my fav dinos, but even this hurt by the lame-brained directing and script.
It's not the worst film ever made, but it is the very definition of middle of the road and being utterly forgettable, especially when the weak-ass climax hits followed by the lame and highly crappy ending.
**

So what are your thoughts on the series? Please, no spoilers on the 4th film, since I, as I stated before, I will be seeing it tomorrow.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

MILE HIGH MEDIA KICKS UP THE ALL-GIRL ACTION IN ‘LESBIAN BABYSITTERS 13’

All pics courtesy of Mile High Media and Sweetheart Video:

 
You know if I needed babysitters, I would hope they are as hot as the ones in this film. Clearly another scorcher from Mile High Media/ Sweetheart Video and Dana Vespoli, the cover alone is enough to sell me on it. Of course all of the following seals the deal!

From the Mile High Media press release:

MILE HIGH MEDIA KICKS UP THE ALL-GIRL ACTION IN ‘LESBIAN BABYSITTERS 13’
 
Naïve Babysitter Claire Robbins Is in Over Her Head in Sweetheart Video’s Newest Release
 
MONTREAL, Quebec (June 17, 2015) – Mile High Media takes the all-girl action up a notch in “Lesbian Babysitters 13,” now available on DVD.  In the erotic flick, naïve babysitter Claire Robbins is in over her head, as she starts her new job taking care of a dysfunctional lesbian couple’s child.  “Lesbian Babysitters 13” is Sweetheart Video at its best.
 
In addition to Claire Robbins, “Lesbian Babysitters 13” features Kimberly Kane, Kleio Valentiien, Dana Vespoli, and Nina Elle. Vespoli also directs the film.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
In “Lesbian Babysitters 13,” kindhearted Claire thinks she's found the perfect job caring for the baby of an uber hip lesbian couple. However, she soon discovers tattoo shop owner Jessica (Elle) is struggling to keep her relationship from falling apart.  Her lover Jill (Vespoli), a professor, is becoming more and more withdrawn.  Claire soon finds herself struggling to help Jessica while becoming entangled in the couple's bizarre world.
 
Kimberly Kane plays Professor Smyte, a colleague of Jill's from the university, who takes a special interest in young Claire.  Meanwhile, Kleio Valentien plays a porn star with nothing to lose.  This must-see all-girl movie is the latest installment in Sweetheart's celebrated series and has all the passion and intrigue that make this title so popular with fans of lesbian romance.
 
Mile High Media Vice President Jon Blitt states, “Dana tells a fun and sexy story in the 13th volume of ‘Lesbian Babysitters.’  Combine it with a great cast and dynamic sex scenes, and we have another winner from Sweetheart Video!”
 
Sweetheart Video’s goal is to create original, innovative girl / girl erotica for the discerning viewer.  Sweetheart films are storyline-driven, carefully cast, and always containing real sexual encounters between women who truly want to be together.
 
Mile High Media hosts membership sites for its acclaimed studios.  SweetheartVideo.com provides consumers with all the passionate girl / girl scenes Sweetheart Video is known for, direct on their computer.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
About Mile High Media:
Mile High Media has been a pillar of the adult industry for over 20 years.  The Canadian managed company began as a Canadian licensee for American adult movies, ensuring it distributed only the highest quality content.  Understanding the diverse and ever changing needs of its consumer base, Mile High determined the best way to provide a wide array of superior entertainment was to produce its own.  In 2003, Mile High launched Doghouse Digital, the first of its acclaimed lines catering to specific niches.  Growing market trends and demand led Mile High to create Sweetheart Video (lesbian line), Sweet Sinner (couple line), Reality Junkies (reality gonzo line), Hardcore Parody (parody line) and Icon Male (Gay romance line).  With over 2000 titles, Mile High’s studios yield some of the most viewed adult movies in the world, available on all platforms, including broadcast, IPTV, VOD and mobile applications.  Mile High is committed to evolve alongside consumers tastes, reflecting new developments in technology and entertainment.  This philosophy led AEBN.net to name Mile High the 2012 Studio of the Year.  For more information, visit www.MileHighOnline.com, www.Facebook.com/MileHighMedia, or www.Twitter.com/MileHighMovies.
 
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